This Week On The Real RINOs Of Austin
Drama, deals, and dysfunction in the Texas Capitol.
A frequent argument in my household is: which is a better reality show. Politics or sports? You can probably guess which side of the argument I’m on. The public spats and infighting are like an episode of The Real Housewives. Forming alliances and backstabbing your allies is like something you’d watch on Big Brother. Over-the-top personalities, win-or-lose scenarios, and scandals that dominate headlines? That’s pure reality TV gold.
This week on Flip or Flop: Red State Edition, Conservative Latinos in chaos, Catturd takes a dump on Dan Crenshaw, and a book-burning carpetbagger heads for Texas.
It all started Monday when Latinos United for Conservative Action (LUCA) endorsed Representative Dustin Burrows (R-HD83) for Texas House Speaker.
In their endorsement statement, they declared themselves “a non-partisan organization focused on conservative values,” which is just as much an oxymoron as Conservative Latino. They also claimed that bullies within the Republican Party have declared war on them and that the (Texas) Republican Party has strayed away from conservative beliefs.
And just like that, once allied, LUCA and the Republican Party of Texas (RPT) are now feuding. 🍿 Oh, it gets better. The far-right publication Current Revolt published leaked audio from LUCA’s president discussing a $10,000 donation from Dustin Burrows.
Because LUCA endorsed Burrows, a slew of their leadership resigned from the organization.
We’re still 26 days from the start of the 89th Legislative Session, and the right is breaking alliances and voting members off the island at a breakneck speed.
Meanwhile, Cody Harris (R-HD08) released a lengthy statement about the Speaker’s race, basically asking, “Are you smarter than a 5th Grader?”
I love this for the Republicans. In Harris’ statement, he says a lot, but here are some of the key points:
West Texas billionaires Tim Dunn and Farris Wilks are funding David Cook’s (R-HD96) run for Speaker and all its related efforts.
Dunn and Wilks are funding all of the text messages. Including the anonomoys text to Democrats this week? That part is unclear.
Harris stated that Dunn and Wilks own the Texas Senate (true) and are now trying to own the Texas House.
He said that none of Cook’s supporters want Cook to be a Speaker based on merit but because they’re all a bunch of thirsty Dunn-lickers who quench power (paraphrasing).
Harris is drawing a line in the sand, saying he believes Burrows is a “true conservative” who will work with the orange one to ban child mutilation. Is that a thing?
Cody Harris said the threats and intimidation he and his peers are getting are shameful and illegal.
According to Harris, the threats being levied against him to keep him off of the ballot are just like the time that Trump had to face legal consequences for rape and money laundering.
Here was my favorite line: “The cancel culture and infighting of the Republican Party is shameful, and frankly, an embarrassment.”
Here is the Republican Party infighting in a nutshell:
“David Cook is a true Conservative. Dustin Burrows is a liberal RINO.”
“Dustin Burrows is a true Conservative. David Cook is a liberal RINO.”
But, from our perspective, when you pull back the layers, Cook and Burrows’ voting records are nearly identical. So, what makes one a “true Conservative” and the other a “liberal RINO” really just depends on which billionaire is filling their pockets.
You have mostly Tim Dunn and some Farris Wilks on Cook’s side. Then, on Burrows’ side, you have Dick Weekley with Texas Lawsuit Reform.
Related:
At the end of the day, is one billionaire different than the next?
Of course, we live in an oligarchy, where the wealthy are the puppet masters of our state politicians. The end goal of these billionaires, like most billionaires, is to make themselves richer while stomping all over the rights of the rest of us.
The only difference between the two is that Tim Dunn thinks it’s God who says that we little people shouldn’t have freedom and liberty. While Dick Weekly just wants another billion to spend on jet fuel.
At this point, does it matter? Billionaires own our government. Billionaires own Texas. And thanks to Elon Musk and Donald Trump, billionaires will soon own all of America.
The Republican Party did it to themselves. Let them fight. Let them destroy each other. I would say, just based on this drama alone, that Democrats should vote for Dustin Burrows as Speaker—you know, throw another wrench in the madness. It’s going to suck no matter who wins, but if it contributes to the self-destruction of the Republican Party, why not toss them a lit match?
As unlikely as it may seem, perhaps House Democrats can use the GOP Civil War to pull some Republicans on their side regarding campaign finance reform. 🤷🏻♀️
Related:
And they wonder why we say, “Eat the rich.”
Dan Crenshaw wants more money, which makes Catturd unhappy.
If you don’t know who Catturd is, consider yourself lucky. According to Rolling Stone, he is the “shitposting king of Twitter MAGA.” Here he is on the Tucker Carlson show:
He’s a 50-year-old Florida incel who got famous for peddling conspiracy theories and far-right misinformation online and amassed millions of followers under the pseudonym “Catturd.” You have to understand this is where the Republican Party is at, mentally, emotionally, and intellectually. They’ve elevated a man whose name might as well be “cat shit.”
Allegedly, Dan Crenshaw (R-TX02) has spearheaded the efforts to get a pay raise in Congress. It should be noted that Congress members have a base salary of $174,000 and the kind of benefits packages that most of us can only dream of.
Dan Crenshaw may not have been born in Texas, but he sure does cuss like a Texan, which may be his only redeemable quality.
Crenshaw denies the allegations that he was seeking a pay raise by calling influencer Nick Sortor a “lying piece of shit.” That’s when Catturd responded by calling Crenshaw a “war pig.”
Crenshaw responded to Catturd by saying, “If you think I’m rich, you’re a fucking idiot.”
Open Secrets says Dan Crenshaw’s estimated net worth is $2.4 million.
According to the Federal Reserve, the top 10% of American households had a net worth of at least $1.94 million at the end of 2022. Dan Crenshaw is among the top 10% of wealth earners.
“Rich” is subjective. But the GOP infighting is superb—Chef’s kiss.
A new carpetbagger is coming to town.
Earlier this year, Valentina Gomez lost her bid for Missouri Secretary of State and now has decided to move to Texas and run for a congressional seat in the Lone Star State.
If you’re wondering who Valentina Gomez is, she’s the loon who made headlines for using a blow torch to set LGBTQ+ books on fire.
This is where we are in American politics:
Which Congressional seat is Gomez planning on running for? That’s unclear, but she will surely entertain us in the 2026 primary races. Maybe Texas Republicans will even elect her. Why not? We already have Troy Nehls (R-TX22) and Chip Roy (R-TX21) in office. It can’t get any worse. Famous last words 🤣.
The Republican Party’s drama is reality TV at its finest—complete with backstabbing, alliance-flipping, and enough petty squabbles to rival Love Island.
Every week, there’s a new villain, a surprise plot twist, and the occasional unhinged wildcard (looking at you, Valentina Gomez). And just like reality TV, the stakes always feel both absurdly high and laughably low at the same time.
Will Dustin Burrows outwit, outplay, and outlast David Cook to win the Speaker’s gavel? Will LUCA find new leadership or spiral into obscurity like a failed Survivor alliance? And who will win the coveted prize of being the billionaire puppet with the most strings attached?
This season of The Real RINOs of Austin has everything: power-hungry billionaires, anonymous smear campaigns, and Dan Crenshaw cussing out someone named Catturd. I mean, you couldn’t script this stuff if you tried. The only thing missing is Jeff Probst asking, “How does this make you feel?”
In the end, does it even matter who wins? Whether it’s Tim Dunn, Farris Wilks, or Dick Weekley pulling the strings, the rest of us are left to clean up the mess while they laugh all the way to the bank. Meanwhile, the GOP cannibalizing itself is the kind of schadenfreude that pairs perfectly with a bowl of popcorn and a chilled glass of “I told you so.”
If Republicans want to keep fighting over who’s the “truest conservative,” they should settle it like every great reality show does—with a dramatic elimination ceremony, a rose, or maybe even a text-in vote. But until then, I’ll be tuning in every week because this is the best reality show on TV. And like all the best shows, I’ll be rooting for their downfall, one chaotic episode at a time. 🍿
January 14: The 89th Legislative Session begins.
March 14: The last day Legislators can file bills.
June 2: The 89th Legislative Session ends.
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i think i'll nominte MD for the 2024 Molly Ivins award...if there is one
I've noticed over the past few election cycles that Republican yard signs aren't satisfied with simply declaring "Joe Blow-Republican". Now it's "Joe Blow-CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN". I guess "Joe Blow-ULTRA CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICAN" is next?