A Feast of Political Absurdity: Texas Republicans Take the Stage

The Republican Civil War heats up as Dade Phelan and Dan Patrick battle for the title of "Top Dog."

Yesterday marked the grand kickoff of the 88th (1) special session, and it was quite the spectacle. Imagine Lt. Governor Dan Patrick strutting onto the stage of a Texas Public Policy Foundation (TPPF) forum, accompanied by Sherry Sylvester, Abbott’s chosen champion of the “whitewash brush” technique for the 1836 Project. Sylvester, notorious for her disdain towards diversity, must have been thrilled. But the real show began when Dan Patrick unleashed his wrath upon poor Dade Phelan, tearing him apart like a piñata at a hyperactive kid’s birthday party.

Oh boy, Lt. Governor Dan Patrick had a moment to vent, and it was quite the spectacle. He kicked off his complaints by proclaiming, “I’m just so tired of all this dysfunction in the House! Those pesky ‘points of order’ that crush our beloved ‘good’ legislation.” He continued his tirade, grumbling about the House’s snail-like pace and their knack for killing bills. It’s like he was the conductor of the whine train, choo-chooing away.

But here’s the funny part: Patrick seems to have forgotten the delightful concept called the legislative process. You know, that thing that prevents the one-party rule from turning Texas into an authoritarian circus?

Ah, sweet irony. So, let’s raise a toast to checks and balances and hope Dan Patrick finds a way to appreciate the wonders of democracy and a well-functioning legislature—cheers to legislative chaos, or as some may call it, democracy in action.

With a twinkle in his eye, Patrick earnestly suggested that the House needs a rule change to strip Democrats of all legislative tools, just like he did in the Senate. But wait, the real knee-slapper comes when Patrick points fingers at poor Dade Phelan, blaming him for the outrageous crime of allowing Democrats to participate in the legislative branch. Can you believe it? How dare Phelan let those pesky Democrats have their say? It’s as if Patrick wants to turn the Capitol into a one-party disco, complete with his dance moves and zero tolerance for opposing viewpoints.

Dade Phelan must have caught wind of his little speech because he had a slap-down of his own waiting for Patrick later that day.

Both the House and the Senate gaveled in for work, and the Senate was the first to pass out the legislation that met the demands of Greg Abbott. Millionaire Mayes Middleton even questioned Patrick to ensure the legislation would meet Abbott’s standards.

Patrick responded that the constitution and the courts were clear, the legislature has a broad scope for legislation, and they just needed to generally follow Abbott’s ideas. Then, he said, “Good job, everyone. Go home until Friday.”

Lt. Governor Dan Patrick was ready to wrap things up with a triumphant clap of his hands. But, little did he know, House Speaker Dade Phelan had a delightful smack-back move up his sleeve. Phelan dropped the ultimate bombshell when those Senate bills made their way to the House: “Sorry, folks, these bills aren’t germane to the Governor’s call.” And just like that, he sent them packing, DOA style—Dead on Arrival.

Patrick must have been left dumbfounded, realizing his master plan had hit a significant road bump. It's like watching a game of legislative tennis, with Phelan expertly returning the ball right back over the net, leaving Patrick scratching his head in disbelief.

Kudos to you, Dade Phelan, for literally taking the phrase "killing bills" and turning them into ghostly apparitions. Let this be a lesson to all: don't mess with the gatekeeper of relevance, or you'll find your bills pushing up daisies faster than you can say "germane." Long live the wacky world of legislative maneuvering and the comedy it brings.

And it gets better.

The House passed on third reading their version of the bills that would answer the governor’s calls. Then Surfer Dade called “Sine Die.”

He was serious. He adjourned the House pending the Senate completing the work on the bills the House sent over. House members erupted in cheers, Republicans and Democrats alike running to the dias to shake his hand in congratulations.

You won this round, Speaker, but the war is far from over.

Dan Patrick’s celebration was interrupted with news of Phelan’s ballsy legislative moves, and he put out a lengthy statement urging Greg Abbott to expand the special session to focus on other far-right issues.

And with all eyes on Abbott, he sides with Phelan, handing his Lt. Governor an embarrassing defeat.

Are your sides splitting from laughter? Mine are.

The battle royale between Dan Patrick and Dade Phelan is like a delectable feast for our entertainment-hungry souls. It's a gourmet dish of Republican rivalry, served piping hot with a side of schadenfreude. And what a treat it is to see the Republicans in a self-slaughter extravaganza, giving Democrats a front-row seat to the spectacle.

But wait, my fellow spectators. The summer sun isn't even close to setting on this carnival of chaos. Oh no, we're just getting started. So in the coming months, get ready for a wild show that'll make a rollercoaster ride seem like a stroll in the park. It's going to get messy, it's going to get gory, and they'll be tearing each other apart like a pack of hungry wolves.

So, grab your snacks, folks, and buckle up for a wild ride. Get ready to witness Republicans unraveling like poorly knitted sweaters. Sit back, laugh heartily, and relish this buffet of political absurdity. Because, my friends, the show has just begun, and it promises to be a lip-smacking, sidesplitting display. Enjoy every mouthwatering moment!